Part of the journey



cropped-20180224_105153Too many, the picture you will see of my mom doesn’t look too bad.  She was tiny but it seemed more manageable then.  We were all fools.  My mom has anorexia since elementary school.  Some periods of her life it was easier to manage but, I don’t think she ever truly was in recovery.  This really could be seen after she moved two hours away from home.  After a while, things got much worse.  She was able to hide things from family because we weren’t able to see her as much.  She wouldn’t tell us about her multiple accidents.  She would insist on us not visiting so we would not see the bruises from her falls.

I often felt sorry for her dog.  He was very protective of her and seemed to be at odds with himself.  He wanted to love and protect her from anything.  The problem was she needed protecting from herself the most.  How do you protect the one you love when the one you love is hurting themselves?  This caused her dog to have additional healthy issues.

My mom and I often did not see eye to eye.  I would not just agree when she would put herself down.  I knew how smart, kind, loving, and beautiful she was.  Hers was a quiet beauty.  She was never one to stand out in a crowd.  That was not something she was comfortable with.  She liked to keep things simple and enjoyed the beauty in that.

Later on, once mom was diagnosed with stomach cancer, she got incredibly small.  Her body basically ate itself into cancer.  By the time she sought medical help, the cancer had spread everywhere.  She was so tiny.  At the end I could not help but cry.  I never saw anyone that small.  She could no longer lift even a small cup.  Everything on her was tiny.  The medical staff went out of their way to make mom as comfortable as possible.  She refused to take any pain meds until the end when I begged her too.  In my mom’s eyes she deserved the pain.  I pray she found the peace she needed in the afterlife that she never could find in this life.

Now I am dealing with my own food issues.  Before my mom got sick I was getting to a healthier weight.  Then my emotional eating took over.  I was always so afraid of my mom’s eating disorder that i developed the opposite relationship with food.  My weight steadily went up.  Unfortunately, my mom blamed herself.  I didn’t.  Like I told my mom, she did not force me to eat the way I did.  I was an adult and had to take responsibility for my own choices and actions.  Now I am slowly creating a healthier relationship with food.

–Sarah Cobble


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