my mom slept very little
today that is me
I have anxiety coursing through
with its fingerlike projections
so as tired as I am
there will be no more sleep
especially since I have to be up
in less than two hours
I do not like this
I understand it more
but I still do not like this
like my mom
the nerves are winning
I have said it before. I will say it again. I miss this time of year for my momma. I keep thinking of planting some flowers in her honor. The problem is I do not have a green thumb. None. It skipped me. Since I do not have kids, it really skipped me.
I remember how she planted daisies for me. Daisies are my favorite. Even if I put them in pots I am not in a position to get on the ground. Plus working in the hot sun is not for me.
My momma could make anything grow. I miss my momma
i wonder how my mom did it. I know she suffered from anxiety but she somehow pushed thru. I am not saying her methods were healthy. However, when you are exhausted and faced with another sleepless night, I wish more than ever I had some of her wisdom.
My nerves feel like fingers in my body. It’s so hard for me to keep still. I have to limit my activities so I don’t wake my fiancé up. Not because he gets mad, but because we like to show each other mutual respect. Besides there is nothing he can do to help me. My eyes are tired but the pinball ball inside me is not off yet and i do not have the switch.
The meds help. Somedays, they are not enough. So instead I sit here at my laptop wondering when sleep will come. I have so much i want to start tacking when I get up. I need the sleep..My eyes are heavy… but sleep is a distant memory right now
I just wish I knew how my mom did it.
I wonder what my mom would say if she were here. I am doing something I never thought I would have the courage to do. I am jumping for my dreams. I am going to write and sell my crafts. I know she would have concerns regarding my future.
I just wonder what she would say. I know my dad would be excited that I am finally thinking outside the box. I think deep down so would my mom, but she would be nervous.
I miss my mom. Miss them both immensely
I miss my mom
Today will be Easter. One of my mom’s favorite holidays. I have been thinking a lot about her the last few days. I think of my parents every day. I miss my mom’s cooking. As much as she battled anorexia, she was an amazing cook. I made her nervous in the kitchen so I did not get much of her cooking wisdom.
I keep thinking of the flowers she grew and her getting her garden ready. I know its April now and technically too early for that but, I have been thinking of that. All the beautiful flowers. When she still lived her in town, she planted daisies just for me. They are my favorite. I don’t have her green thumb either. She was a very talented woman. A hard worker. She was probably one of the hardest workers I have ever met. I remember one year, she took out a tree stump. That thing had to have been over a foot wide. She dug it out though all by herself. It took her the whole day but she did it.
My momma loved Easter because of her faith. She was a devout Catholic. I hope to become Baptist eventually myself. I pray now more and give thanks every day. I enjoy gospel music especially quartet gospel music. I feel the presence of God in my life. I know even tho I left the Catholic Church she would be happy that I have welcomed God back into my life. I know he blesses me everyday. Even the bad days are blessings considering God gets me through. I wish momma had been strong enough to where she could have enjoyed the quartet gospel that my fiancé has introduced to me. I know she would have been excited about his radio station here at the house. I can just see her smiling and enjoying the love quietly.
I miss my mom terribly. I wish I had someplace to go see her but I don’t. Really I just want to feel her arms again. Or have my head in her lap like I did growing up. I miss her presence. I know as I work hard toward my dreams and goals she would have been nervous and she would have been proud.
I miss my momma something fierce. I wish she could have been able to even be at our house or hers and celebrated the holiday with her. Enjoying good food and gospel music. Celebrating the joy that is Easter. Celebrating the joy in life. I can just see her being so happy.
I miss my momma something fierce.
Easter is coming. From what my mom told me growing up, Easter is more important than Christmas to Catholics since Jesus and God saved us. I am not Catholic myself anymore for my own personal reasons. I am Christian and I am thinking of becoming Baptist. My mom was a devout Catholic. If she were here, as much as she did not approve of me leaving the church, she would be thrilled I would want to be in a church. She was practically jumping for joy when she discovered I liked quartet gospel. She was thankful to my fiancé for that one.
Easter was special to my momma. She always loved to cook. She was an AMAZING cook. Some years were not as warm outside yet the holiday felt warm. With the spring colors and feelings of joy spending time with relatives. The only thing that would make my mom sad right now is that her family is no longer together. The last time I spent any real-time with them was at her memorial. I miss them immensely. I grew up with them.
In light of Easter coming, I hope all my family is safe and happy. I hope my mom gets to enjoy all that she couldn’t on this Earth in heaven. She deserves the best. Love you mom.
Saturday, if my mom had been alive, I truly believe she would have been proud. Heck if she could have, she would have marched with the kids saying #enough. That makes me smile. Knowing how she would have stood up and said this is #Enough.
My mom was a lot stronger than many give her credit for. I am not talking about her eating disorder. I am talking about the rest of her. She is a survivor of abuse. She is a survivor in life. She loved to bring beauty into the world. She loved to bring kindness and caring, especially to those who really needed it.
My mom instilled in me the desire to stand up for people less fortunate. The ones who don’t seem to have a voice. Way too often those who are struggling for the basics do not get heard. People simply want to look at them with preconceived notions. Not my mom. Mom had a gift of looking past all of that. Yes, some of the disenfranchised were there because of mistakes they made. However, last time I checked, none of us are perfect. Mom knew, even the poor and other groups the some people like to ignore, had a voice that deserved to be heard.
To me, the most beautiful people in the world realize the importance to give back even if cameras are not rolling. This was my mom.
I don’t know how my mom did it. I really don’t. I wish I did. I wish I could ask her but I can’t. At least not in this physical world and hear her voice. Her body is now ashes. I still talk to her. I feel her. It’s not the same but I am grateful for that.
My sleep is all messed up. I get that from my fibromyalgia and a little from my mom’s side. It’s not unusual for us not to sleep well. Unfortunately, I can not only exist on coffee like my mom did. It messes with my heart (probably because I am obese) and after a while caffeine does not seem to affect me, or it makes my nerves so excited I just can’t sleep.
Take today for example. I was going to get a few hours before I get some work done. I was sleepy. Feeling too tired to crochet or even exercise I got ready for bed. My body said just kidding. My nerves yelled part-time everyone and the dance of me having a hard time staying still began. Yes, this is even with my meds. There are other things that could be causing this. Some of it being TMI. I tend to get monthly flares like this hence the TMI. So Instead of getting some beauty sleep, I am at my laptop typing up a storm. Wishing like hell I could ask my mom how she did it. or at least lay on the couch with my head in her lap and she ran her fingers through my hair. That was a comforting feeling. The truth is I can’t. I have to comfort myself and I don’t know how to make the nerves stop.
My mom was active. Constantly cleaning. Taking a walk. None of that is really an option for me right now. My fiancé is sleeping, God love him. We rent a house but, its kind of small. Not too small, it fits us fine but still a little small. Since I am not known for being quiet on my feet I do not want to disturb him. They are doing work outside on the gas line so the sidewalk is closed–no fresh air walk for me. I feel too tired for the treadmill. Still my upper back is tight.
It’s strange how much I admire my mom’s ability to push herself to keep going even though that was part of her downfall. If she had stopped and gone to the doctor when she was having pain, the cancer might have been managed. We will never know. Now I have to handle it. I have no parent to lead me on this journey of hellish nerves. My dad never had a problem with sleep so it would be difficult for him to understand. He would say, “its your body, you have control over it after all”. Sometimes, I wish I could be more like my mom.
Instead I try desperately to relax. My fibro nerves as i call them just won’t cooperate. I feel them twitching all around. Maybe if I take myself back to where I could take refuge on my mom’s lap that would help. If not, I just have to make it on my own, with or without sleep.
Last night I had a dream. It war was longer. She looked good. She was wearing one of those granny nightgowns that she used to wear and her hair was longer. She was happy
As soon as I saw her I yelled MOM!! and I ran to her hugging her. I could feel a little bit of anger, though I don’t thing it was towards me. It seemed like we hugged for the longest time. I did not want to let go. I could really feel her.
One of the things in life I always wanted to do even when we weren’t getting along, was a hug a day. They didn’t always go as planned but I tried to maintain that connection.
I loved that hug from my mom in my dreams. After my dad passed not quite 11 years ago, I was so frustrated. I wanted to feel some connection to him like some others did and I didn’t. Even my ex would brag about it and I missed him immensely. I felt him a few times but, not like I wanted or needed. I would often talk to my mom about that. Not because I wanted to hurt her, I just missed him so bad. Seeing my mom in my dreams last night was awesome. Being able to hold her and hug her tight without worrying I was going to break her was amazing. That I will also cherish.
Somedays, I do not know how my mom did it. She got very little sleep. Granted the amount of coffee she consumed probably did not help. She would be lucky to get a couple to 4 hours of sleep. Yet, she worked harder than anyone I have ever known.
I finally got about 5 hours of sleep yesterday. I have been up ever since though I am hoping to get a little bit more sleep. I am not like my mom. Because of my fibromyalgia, I do not tolerate lack of sleep well, have insomnia, and I can’t drink as much caffeine as she did. I do not function well.
I wish I was able to do half of what she did but without the exhaustion.